Chaos

Lunch break. The much awaited hiatus between two working halves of the day. Today, a lot of things are on my mind and even on my desk. This is the period when I'm supposed to be able to sort through all the rubble between the morning and the afternoon. Today, there will be no semblance of order, even in this entry. I shall write with no qualms about coherence and correctness. I am writing if only to silence the disquiet inside me. I am writing for my benefit alone.

Two piles of papers are atop my table. One for pending work, the other for the those that are in progress. Neither one seems to be on the verge of completion. Suddenly, a text message comes and the day begins again.

People always ask why things have to end. Why do they have to begin in the first place? Things that end first began and so an end is just the inevitable conclusion to a beginning.

If you are sleepy and hungry at the same time, what do you do first? Eat or sleep? The answer to this question will not completely satiate the body as only both will. This is the closest to how I can describe what I feel right now. There is so much to do and yet to accomplish one is to accomplish nothing at all. Sigh...

Today, I am emotional. Today, I am my alter ego.

And then there was light. 1pm comes too soon.

Let the work begin.

Music Sense

Lyrics before melody. This is how I know if I like a song or not. Most people listen to a song's lyrics only after they've decided that they like the melody. I operate on the reverse.

One fine morning, it suddenly dawned on me: my outlook in life is a reflection of the music that I decide to like. As I belong to a family of music lovers, I know almost all the songs that I sing by heart. Here are lines from some songs that humble, uplift, inspire, and enlighten me in those crucial moments of boredom, insecurity, and dementia:

All the shiny little trinkets of temptation, something new instead of somethin old
All you gotta do is scratch beneath the surface and it's fool's gold ("Power of Two" by the Indigo Girls)

Lately I'm beginning to find that when I drive myself my life is found ("Drive" by Incubus)

I just found out there's no such thing as a real world, just a lie you've got to rise above ("No Such Thing" by John Mayer)

Compliment what she does, send her roses just because...if she wants to stay, find one hundred ways ("100 Ways" by James Ingram)

If you walk the footsteps of a stranger, you'll learn things you never knew ("Colors of the Wind" by Vanessa Williams)

You know there's always more than one way to say exactly what you mean to say ("Out of My Head" by Fastball)

Even if there is pain now, everything will be alright for as long as the world still turns, there will be night and day ("Rainbow" by Southborder)

No matter what tomorrow holds, my praise will know no bounds for your presence will be there again to guide me ("You are My Light")

Somebody once asked: could you spare some change for gas, I need to get myself away from this place. I said: yep, what a concept; I could use a little fuel myself and we could all use a little change
("All Star" by Smashmouth)

Fathers be good to your daughters. Daughters will love like you do. Girls become lovers who turn into mothers so mothers be good to your daughters too ("Daughters" by John Mayer)

Let the rain fall, I don't care. I'm yours and certainly you're mine and it's brighter than sunshine ("Brighter than Sunshine" by Aqualung)

You have forgiven me so many times it seems. I feel I'm not what you might call a worthy Christian after all. Though I love you so, temptation finds its way to me ("Take me Out of the Dark" by Gary Valenciano)

I want to thank you for giving me the best day of my life. Just to be with you is having the best day of my life ("Thank You" by Dido)

We're just another piece of the puzzle, just another part of the plan ("Ever Since the World Began")

Stand up, little girl. A broken heart can't be that bad. When it's true, it's true. Fate will twist the both of you ("To Be With You" by Mr. Big)

Pana-panahon ang pagkakataon, maibabalik ba ang kahapon? ("Kanlungan" by Noel Cabangon)

Tulay ng Maykapal inuugnay ang ating pagmamahalan gawa ng lakas na 'di guguho sa minsang pagsubok na napagdadaanan ng buhay ("Awit ng Saya" by M.Y.M.P.)

All of my hopes and all of my plans, my heart and my hands are lifted to You ("I Offer My Life")

Don't need the sun to shine to make me smile. Don't care if it's dark outside 'cause I got you. And though the rain may fall, no I won't care at all ("Don't Need The Sun to Shine" by Gabrielle)

Friends are there when you need them; they're even there when you don't (Theme from "Garfield and Friends" cartoons)

These are just a few that I could come up with at the moment. I just know that my life will always be filled with music. My life, after all, is my ultimate song.

I Cried

"This is the story of a girl who cried a river and drowned the whole world..." (Story of A Girl by Nine Days)

Last night I cried an ocean for all the possible reasons...

I cried for me. I cried for him.
I cried for all the people in pain.
I cried because I was proud and ashamed.
I cried for all the times I had only me to blame.
I cried because I am happy and so very blessed.
I am thankful for the people who know my flaws best.
I cried for my country, family, friends and team mate
and for all blessings in disguise that I learned to appreciate.
I cried for my childhood, my future and my present life in limbo,
recalling the times I had nowhere left to go.
Mostly, I cried to God in remorseful thanksgiving
for always reminding me that life is worth living.

I paused. I prayed. I cried some more.

I never was a big fan of crying and I grew up curtailing emotions that would make me cry. Instead of crying, I would rather do something. But there are times when there's nothing one can do. I know now that crying is healthy because after the tears, a certain calmness follows. That tranquility allows me to move on, live on and love on.

Description

Like
A
Raven that never ceases to
Amaze me

--from Eina (sometime 1997)

What Happened

Do you believe that there is no such thing as an accident? That everything is pre-ordained and that every curve in our life's road was already pre-mapped by a greater hand? Where then does free will kick in, if at all?

The reason I ask is that I was recently in an accident. No need to worry, it's not that serious. I just unintentionally hit a car. What made it so bad was not that I was driving a relatively brand new car nor the fact that I had to face the injured party. It was bad because the car I hit was immobile--yup, it was parked just right beside me. Call it amateurism or wrong judgment or even stupidity. I have been berating myself with harsher adjectives so I honestly do not need anyone's help in doing that right now, okay?:-) But I'm digressing. . .

So, anyway, I spoke with the owner of the other car (who happens to be really considerate) and it seems that we would settle this matter amicably within the day. Before we spoke, however, I was making good use of my time by consoling myself by saying that everything happens for a reason. Who knows? The owner of the car might just be the guy (I correctly assumed this after one look at the car) that one of my single girl friends might end up with. If hitting one car accomplishes that, then I guess I can hit a couple more. Just kidding!:-)

This brings me to the ancient debate on free will vs. destiny. I most certainly did not hit that car intentionally. Does that mean that I was meant to? If I did not choose it, then was it destined? So, are all negative unintentional things in life destined to happen? Are they not a product of little choices made in the past? I ask because I do not know. I write because I will never be able to answer. I can only offer a resolution: acceptance. Whether I chose or did not choose a particular outcome, I should and must accept this. Maybe not instantly, but inevitably. The good thing about this is that I have faith. Faith that I am always in good hands (hello Papa God!) and that something good will always come out of everything. True, my driving skills could stand improvement and it was a wake up call to do so asap. But I am happy that I picked up a lot from the incident, namely:
· In a state of panic, sanity kicks in after a few (or a lot of) deep breaths. So before you actually panic, take deep breaths immediately.
· Your conscience is your guide. I had the perfect opportunity to drive away. No witnesses, no nothing. But I know I could not and would not sleep well in the coming years if I did.
· God is good. The owner of the car is actually nice. I spoke with him for almost thirty minutes mostly about karma, mistrust and doing good. He said I gave him good parking tips so I hope that makes it even.:-)
· People are considerate. My family and friends, who were the first ones I expected to scold and lecture me, turned out to be really understanding and helpful.
· I am a part of a great team. My teammate, I thank you. I don't particularly care if you are here because I chose to or because I was destined to. You are there to comfort me when I am meanest to myself. Alam ko namang pag ok na ako, saka mo ako pagsasabihan. Hehe. . . I don't mind.
· I have to face the music gracefully. (Okay, Daddy, I have good news and bad news. Which would you like to hear first?)

I end this first entry with an unfortunate note: the owner of the car is already married. Too bad. I already thought of Pat, Dimps and Rossel. Be that as it may, anything can still happen--whether by choice or by chance.