Liham

The following is an open letter to my team mate and my best friend. Posting of this letter has been approved by the latter.

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February 22, 2007

My Dearest 'Bbq',

Happy start of our fifth year together (ngayon pa nga lang yung first day.hmph!)!

In retrospect, the past four years have been filled with new insights and emotions, with the positive and enlightening outnumbering the sad and hurtful ones. Who would've thought?! Then again, that might precisely be the point. Not "thinking" alone. It has taken a lot of courage, compromise, lowering of pride, little sacrifices, difficult decisions, and, most importantly, prayers. Expectations, old habits and perceptions had to be revised along the way. It was not always easy but the struggle became beautiful because of how the struggle took place--always as a team. A team with God and service as honorary members. For how could we have met and persisted otherwise?

Spending time with you is like taking an out of town trip everyday. It's something we both enjoy doing (buti na lang lakwatsero ka din) even if we dream about it more than we actually do. Sure, there are forced stopovers and bumps along the way and sometimes we run out of gas or money or both. But by God's grace, either one of us, or someone or something else, fills infor the deficiency. I am also thankful for the simplicity and optimism that we share most of the time (take note: not always). When the gas runs out, we use it as an opportunity to walk hand in hand. When we run out of money to pay for the toll fees, we take the service road. When we do not have airconditioning, we do not notice it that much because the music blaring onthe radio turns out to be great. When the radio is dead, the creaks and screeches of the world around us, especially the car we're riding on, delightfully take its place. There is music even when there is silence.

In total, these past years have been about choices for our team,individually or as a team. Thank you for choosing to be patient and kind even though you're tired. For choosing to spend time with me, to listen and to share what you have and what you know. Thank you for the choices that make us better each year. For all the good intentions and well thought actions, thank you. We also know that some of our decisions were characterized more by our weaknesses rather than love. Again, I am sorry for the times I have hurt you this way. As for me, I have personally learned how to deal with that one choice that you made and I have started to learn howto try to pick up the pieces of things that were inevitably broken. Although things will never be whole the same way, something stronger and more durable is formed by that single act of forgiveness. But I will forever thank you for your honesty and for the love that allowed you to be that honest. That too was a choice on your part.

The point of the matter is that I love you and I'm enjoying our yet uninterrupted "trip". And where do we go next? Bohol? Cebu? Palawan? Maybe.Why not? With you? Anywhere. Again, happy fourth my 'bbq'. The best is yet to come.Ü

Love,

Marie

Adaptation

Parati na lang bang ganito?
Dapat bang tanggapin ko na hindi na magbabago?
Namamanhid na yata ang buhay na bato
Sa isang banda, mas panatag ang bagyo
Sinong makakapagsabi kung mabuti ito?
Ganito din ba para sa kanila?
Ganito na nga ba talaga?

Madalas, babaeng walang buhay ang tanging kaulayaw ko
Hindi din naman masaya kapag walang tinig ang kausap ko
Sa ganitong pag-iisip, ako'y nagiging kalunos-lunos
Kailan kaya kami magpapalit ng sapatos?
Sa kabila ng lahat, mas ikapapanatag ko na ako'y naisantabi
kaysa malaman na may anumang nangyari

Palagi na lang ganito
Marahil hindi mahalaga ang mga agam-agam ko
Ngunit habang hindi pa tuluyang namamanhid ito
Maingay pa din ang alingawngaw ng kalungkutan ko
Pero nararamdaman ko na malapit na..
Malapit na tuluyang matulog ang bagyo.

A Mirror

One of the ways to know yourself is to ask other people...or websites with pre-defined and pre-programmed analysis given one's simple responses. I am still by far the most accurate source of who I think I am although I believe I know myself very little.=P

Credits go to Vanins... I got this from your blog...

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have low extroversion. You are quiet and reserved in most social situations. A low key, laid back lifestyle is important to you. You tend to bond slowly, over time, with one or two people. Conscientiousness: You have medium conscientiousness. You're generally good at balancing work and play. When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done. But you've been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it. Agreeableness: You have high agreeableness. You are easy to get along with, and you value harmony highly. Helpful and generous, you are willing to compromise with almost anyone. You give people the benefit of the doubt and don't mind giving someone a second chance. Neuroticism: You have low neuroticism. You are very emotionally stable and mentally together. Only the greatest setbacks upset you, and you bounce back quickly. Overall, you are typically calm and relaxed - making others feel secure. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is low. You're a pretty conservative person, and you favor what's socially acceptable. You think that change for novelty's sake is a very bad idea. While some may see this as boring, many see you as dependable and wise.

The Five Factor Personality Test

Writer's block

And then there was Nothing. Blank. Void.
Nonsense typed in to add color to the white screen.
Words suspended in mid-air. Waiting. Steady.

So much to say with so little time.
Opportunity is used and yet lost.
Mind and heart is in limbo.

Limbo is reached effortlessly. Why?
Pause. Comtemplate. Waste time.

Limbo is my defense. It is neutral. Safe.
The trade-off for the absence of evil is the absence of good.
Tick tock says the clock...

Something awakens and consciousness whispers.
Take the good, as well as the bad.
Sadness and happiness.
If there is nothing ugly, then nothing is beautiful.
Revel in conflict. Revel in life.

But there's just too much hard work. Waste of time.
But what is time well spent?
Do nothing? Be safe?

Echoes of sanity seeps in.
I want to live.
Do everything and anything but be in control.
Revel in conflict. Revel in life.

Writer's block.
A classic example of making something from nothing.

As Pablo puts it:
Pure nonsense; pure wisdom.

Salamat

It is finally beginning to sink in. I will finally have a second job. Life as I have known it for four years will finally change. Soon, there will be a new place for me to spend 40 hours every week in.

It is with optimism, and maybe a little bit of anxiety, that I look forward to my new work. Before I start to sound like the valedictorian of a graduating class on a podium, I would like to recall the important things that I have learned from the people that I have worked with for the past four years.

From Rossel I learned to appreciate beauty for what it truly is: skin deep. You are only as beautiful as your heart. Her love for her Matthew inspires me to nurture my love for others.

Fe taught me the value of balance. She is one of the few who has seen me grow for better (or worse). Her competency in all aspects of life is truly something to aspire for.

I learned to be more thoughtful through Bambi. There are a million ways to show your friends how special they are and they do not have to be grandiose or extravagant.

Oss continually reminds me of the power of laughter. It is found in even the most mundane activities. Her devotion to Anette reminds me that miracles happen everyday.

Dance to the beat that life sets for you. Dona tells me to dance despite the lack of choreography or of grace.

Lea showed me how to laugh at myself and to accept myself completely. There is always something new and wonderful about me despite my imperfections.

Express yourself. This is something that Cecile preaches and practices.

Ms. Thelma taught me to speak out and speak loud only when I am right. Otherwise, I should just shut up.

Ms. Len tells me that there is life after work. Work should not be your life but it should be something that you have to learn to love.

Ms. Diane demonstrates what it is like to have grace under pressure. I hope to take home some of her dedication.

Bernie reinforces my belief that there is power in silence. Silence does not translate to timidity or complacence.

The migraines that I do not get from work tell me that I somehow enjoyed my tasks. Sir H's headaches from CPD showed me this.

Truth is, all the bits of wisdom that I have picked up from this place and from the people that have taught me these are too many to mention. I could not mention everything and everyone even if I attempted to.

For all who are mentioned here and otherwise, the chorus of one of my my favorite songs
is especially for you.

My Wish

I
These are snapshots of my first outing for the year. I'm here stuck at work and desperately wishing for another one. Attention Lakbayers!!!

Bits of Wisdom...

...these are as ubiquitous as mobile phones and suffering. They're as present as pollution in Metro Manila and as constant as the migraines that my sister gets. I admit, I am sometimes too "busy" to spot them. Lately, I've been lucky.

"Boredom is a gift." - Roxy
A gift indeed. I just realized I had time to sapre.

"No judgements!" - Pat
Here, here! Judging is a burden that God does not give us.

"You can never (can) tell!" - Dimps
Que Sera Sera, whatever will be, will be...

"...use the fridge to thaw!" - Nerks
A statment not just for food.

"Use the toaster to heat pizza." - Fefot
There is always a better way to do things.

"Bata ka pa!" - Rossel
There is always hope.

"Umuwi tayo ng maaga." - Ygme
Pure wisdom.

I can't wait to come up with my own.

Hope for the Lost

I lost my blazer. More than that, I lost:

• Warmth. It is insanely cold here.
• Inconspicuousness. I am now very visible.
• Trendiness. My uniform does not look as nice without it.

And it's only been almost 5 hours! Sigh...

Everytime I lose something, my mind automatically plays this line from an OST of a Sandra Bullock flick: "Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you got 'til it's gone...."

God knows how many things (and people) I have lost in my lifetime. Some through my own fault, others by accident, and still some by choice (applicable to people only). Still, I believe that for every loss, there wil be a gain, regardless of whether it is tangible or not.

I cannot and do not intend to promise not to lose anything anymore. I will try my best, though. If and when I do lose something or, God forbid, someone again, I will make sure that I do not lose the lesson.

There is hope that my blazer and I will be reunited, you know. I can still go back to where I think I could've left it. On the other hand, there is a difference when we talk about wisdom, love, relationships, people, respect, faith, dignity, happiness, and truth. These are things in life that one cannot afford to lose. But when you do lose one of these things, there will always be hope of finding it again.

Hope shines eternal.

Reminder

Old rhymes still ring true.

I came across this poem as I was tinkering with my "documents" on my not-so-orderly desk. Its message could not have been more timely and needed than now. This just goes to show that there is wisdom in chaos.

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

--Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

Love Letter

Dear Lara,

Hi! It's been a long time. How are you? I hope you're doing fairly better than our last time together.

As with any other year, 2005 flew right by us. In retrospect, we spent a lot of quality time together, you and I, but I know you are beginning to detach yourself from me. That is not such a bad thing, you know. You're growing and beginning to see that there are better people to spend your time with. Your views and aspirations have altered, along with your disposition. You're not as defensive but you have grown more aggressive. You've grown more comfortable with new things and more flexible in terms of accepting situations or events that don't quite meet your expectations. You're fortifying old friendships and establishing new ones. You now have a team that I know you love and are proud of because your team performs well despite all the sadness and hurts that you've experienced as a part of it. There are times that you prefer to spend most of your time with your team mate than with me for reasons that are sometimes not altruistic, but I take no offense. I accept that I'm not the only person that you rely on now but that makes me worry a bit. You know how much I worry. Thank God for you and for those who remind me not to. Do you remember our long-standing belief that the more people that you attach yourself to, the greater the risk of disappointment there is? The world outside our own is scarier indeed. My dear, I can see that we're gradually drifting apart. Our safe place does not leave you content anymore. And if that is the case, then I think that you're stronger now than I expected you to be.

As I slowly loosen my hold on you, I promise that I wouldn't be too far away because I can't even if we both wanted to. I know you have new needs and you now need new people. But know that we will always need and have each other. I will never be far. May your new year be even better. It hasn't started out great but it will soon take off. If we only have more faith.

Be good always. Do not replace virtues with transitory happiness. God bless!

Always,

Lara

Chaos

Lunch break. The much awaited hiatus between two working halves of the day. Today, a lot of things are on my mind and even on my desk. This is the period when I'm supposed to be able to sort through all the rubble between the morning and the afternoon. Today, there will be no semblance of order, even in this entry. I shall write with no qualms about coherence and correctness. I am writing if only to silence the disquiet inside me. I am writing for my benefit alone.

Two piles of papers are atop my table. One for pending work, the other for the those that are in progress. Neither one seems to be on the verge of completion. Suddenly, a text message comes and the day begins again.

People always ask why things have to end. Why do they have to begin in the first place? Things that end first began and so an end is just the inevitable conclusion to a beginning.

If you are sleepy and hungry at the same time, what do you do first? Eat or sleep? The answer to this question will not completely satiate the body as only both will. This is the closest to how I can describe what I feel right now. There is so much to do and yet to accomplish one is to accomplish nothing at all. Sigh...

Today, I am emotional. Today, I am my alter ego.

And then there was light. 1pm comes too soon.

Let the work begin.

Music Sense

Lyrics before melody. This is how I know if I like a song or not. Most people listen to a song's lyrics only after they've decided that they like the melody. I operate on the reverse.

One fine morning, it suddenly dawned on me: my outlook in life is a reflection of the music that I decide to like. As I belong to a family of music lovers, I know almost all the songs that I sing by heart. Here are lines from some songs that humble, uplift, inspire, and enlighten me in those crucial moments of boredom, insecurity, and dementia:

All the shiny little trinkets of temptation, something new instead of somethin old
All you gotta do is scratch beneath the surface and it's fool's gold ("Power of Two" by the Indigo Girls)

Lately I'm beginning to find that when I drive myself my life is found ("Drive" by Incubus)

I just found out there's no such thing as a real world, just a lie you've got to rise above ("No Such Thing" by John Mayer)

Compliment what she does, send her roses just because...if she wants to stay, find one hundred ways ("100 Ways" by James Ingram)

If you walk the footsteps of a stranger, you'll learn things you never knew ("Colors of the Wind" by Vanessa Williams)

You know there's always more than one way to say exactly what you mean to say ("Out of My Head" by Fastball)

Even if there is pain now, everything will be alright for as long as the world still turns, there will be night and day ("Rainbow" by Southborder)

No matter what tomorrow holds, my praise will know no bounds for your presence will be there again to guide me ("You are My Light")

Somebody once asked: could you spare some change for gas, I need to get myself away from this place. I said: yep, what a concept; I could use a little fuel myself and we could all use a little change
("All Star" by Smashmouth)

Fathers be good to your daughters. Daughters will love like you do. Girls become lovers who turn into mothers so mothers be good to your daughters too ("Daughters" by John Mayer)

Let the rain fall, I don't care. I'm yours and certainly you're mine and it's brighter than sunshine ("Brighter than Sunshine" by Aqualung)

You have forgiven me so many times it seems. I feel I'm not what you might call a worthy Christian after all. Though I love you so, temptation finds its way to me ("Take me Out of the Dark" by Gary Valenciano)

I want to thank you for giving me the best day of my life. Just to be with you is having the best day of my life ("Thank You" by Dido)

We're just another piece of the puzzle, just another part of the plan ("Ever Since the World Began")

Stand up, little girl. A broken heart can't be that bad. When it's true, it's true. Fate will twist the both of you ("To Be With You" by Mr. Big)

Pana-panahon ang pagkakataon, maibabalik ba ang kahapon? ("Kanlungan" by Noel Cabangon)

Tulay ng Maykapal inuugnay ang ating pagmamahalan gawa ng lakas na 'di guguho sa minsang pagsubok na napagdadaanan ng buhay ("Awit ng Saya" by M.Y.M.P.)

All of my hopes and all of my plans, my heart and my hands are lifted to You ("I Offer My Life")

Don't need the sun to shine to make me smile. Don't care if it's dark outside 'cause I got you. And though the rain may fall, no I won't care at all ("Don't Need The Sun to Shine" by Gabrielle)

Friends are there when you need them; they're even there when you don't (Theme from "Garfield and Friends" cartoons)

These are just a few that I could come up with at the moment. I just know that my life will always be filled with music. My life, after all, is my ultimate song.

I Cried

"This is the story of a girl who cried a river and drowned the whole world..." (Story of A Girl by Nine Days)

Last night I cried an ocean for all the possible reasons...

I cried for me. I cried for him.
I cried for all the people in pain.
I cried because I was proud and ashamed.
I cried for all the times I had only me to blame.
I cried because I am happy and so very blessed.
I am thankful for the people who know my flaws best.
I cried for my country, family, friends and team mate
and for all blessings in disguise that I learned to appreciate.
I cried for my childhood, my future and my present life in limbo,
recalling the times I had nowhere left to go.
Mostly, I cried to God in remorseful thanksgiving
for always reminding me that life is worth living.

I paused. I prayed. I cried some more.

I never was a big fan of crying and I grew up curtailing emotions that would make me cry. Instead of crying, I would rather do something. But there are times when there's nothing one can do. I know now that crying is healthy because after the tears, a certain calmness follows. That tranquility allows me to move on, live on and love on.

Description

Like
A
Raven that never ceases to
Amaze me

--from Eina (sometime 1997)

What Happened

Do you believe that there is no such thing as an accident? That everything is pre-ordained and that every curve in our life's road was already pre-mapped by a greater hand? Where then does free will kick in, if at all?

The reason I ask is that I was recently in an accident. No need to worry, it's not that serious. I just unintentionally hit a car. What made it so bad was not that I was driving a relatively brand new car nor the fact that I had to face the injured party. It was bad because the car I hit was immobile--yup, it was parked just right beside me. Call it amateurism or wrong judgment or even stupidity. I have been berating myself with harsher adjectives so I honestly do not need anyone's help in doing that right now, okay?:-) But I'm digressing. . .

So, anyway, I spoke with the owner of the other car (who happens to be really considerate) and it seems that we would settle this matter amicably within the day. Before we spoke, however, I was making good use of my time by consoling myself by saying that everything happens for a reason. Who knows? The owner of the car might just be the guy (I correctly assumed this after one look at the car) that one of my single girl friends might end up with. If hitting one car accomplishes that, then I guess I can hit a couple more. Just kidding!:-)

This brings me to the ancient debate on free will vs. destiny. I most certainly did not hit that car intentionally. Does that mean that I was meant to? If I did not choose it, then was it destined? So, are all negative unintentional things in life destined to happen? Are they not a product of little choices made in the past? I ask because I do not know. I write because I will never be able to answer. I can only offer a resolution: acceptance. Whether I chose or did not choose a particular outcome, I should and must accept this. Maybe not instantly, but inevitably. The good thing about this is that I have faith. Faith that I am always in good hands (hello Papa God!) and that something good will always come out of everything. True, my driving skills could stand improvement and it was a wake up call to do so asap. But I am happy that I picked up a lot from the incident, namely:
· In a state of panic, sanity kicks in after a few (or a lot of) deep breaths. So before you actually panic, take deep breaths immediately.
· Your conscience is your guide. I had the perfect opportunity to drive away. No witnesses, no nothing. But I know I could not and would not sleep well in the coming years if I did.
· God is good. The owner of the car is actually nice. I spoke with him for almost thirty minutes mostly about karma, mistrust and doing good. He said I gave him good parking tips so I hope that makes it even.:-)
· People are considerate. My family and friends, who were the first ones I expected to scold and lecture me, turned out to be really understanding and helpful.
· I am a part of a great team. My teammate, I thank you. I don't particularly care if you are here because I chose to or because I was destined to. You are there to comfort me when I am meanest to myself. Alam ko namang pag ok na ako, saka mo ako pagsasabihan. Hehe. . . I don't mind.
· I have to face the music gracefully. (Okay, Daddy, I have good news and bad news. Which would you like to hear first?)

I end this first entry with an unfortunate note: the owner of the car is already married. Too bad. I already thought of Pat, Dimps and Rossel. Be that as it may, anything can still happen--whether by choice or by chance.