Sorry, Pablo Neruda. I needed to borrow your lines.
Tonight, I will grieve for the first death of a part of my heart. Stab wounds of yesterday do not compare and yet I remember that the tears are almost the same. If only tears reflect the wounds of the heart, my tears will have turned into blood. And yet I can still think of worse things so the bloodless tears become acceptable.
It is just a small matter. But a matter that is close to my heart. A matter I hold dear. There are very little things in life that I am passionate about. Because the pain is being inflicted by someone in my heart as well, I can breathe the pain. It is only the smile of my little one that keeps me in check. Even now, as I write. I still know that I shall not be killed. I shall become stronger.
What love can stand the pain of a loved one? Even if there is no sense of permanence and no intention of perpetuity to that pain. It is sad that it is intentional and re-directed towards my own weakness. A taunt. A carrot dangled in front of a horse who wants a radish.
For the first time, I felt scared of my complacence. Suddenly, I have to snap of it. Is this the wake up call then? How do I remove the rose colored glasses but see the rose just the same? Dear Lord, help me.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Sunday, November 13, 2011
That Special Feeling
Moments ago, I was "feeling unspecial". Call it weekend blues or hormonal imbalance, but that was how I felt. The story behind it seems unimportant now.
Then, because I was just me, I decided to think about why I was feeling that way, so I did. I ended up feeling worse. So I decided to think about whether it was right for me to think that way. I saw two differing schools of thoughts here--The first tells me "yes" based on the attending circumstances. References that I quote here are mostly literary.*wink*. The second "school of thought" told me "no". It was after all our prayer to "give and not to count the cost, to hide and not to heal the wounds...". So there. I didn't feel bad anymore. But I just had to find sympathy, or companionship at the very least, from reliable Google.
Here are the nuggets of wisdom that I found:
1. According to Dr. Edward A. Dreyfus, Ph.D. Psychology, and I quote from his websitehttp://www.docdreyfus.com/psychologically-speaking/psychology/the-need-to-feel-special/:
"The need to feel special is common to human beings. We want to know that we matter to others; we want to be seen. We strive to achieve some special status in the eyes of others; how we are viewed by others matters to us...When we are singled out for special treatment, given special privileges, receive special favors, we feel special... A problem can arise however, when we feel uncomfortable with acknowledging our desire to be special. Many people not only feel uncomfortable with this desire, but will go to great lengths to deny their desire for specialness as if it were a sign of weakness or other flaw in their personality."
Dr. Dreyfus goes further by providing thoughts that may be helpful to self-healing:You cannot assess your specailness to someone on the basis of their meeting your expectations.Accept that not being given special treatment does not diminish you or the affection someone may have toward you.Do not judge yourself.Acknowledge your hurt without blaming the other person.Accept that being disappointed is a human reaction to having expectations of others that are not met.Do not evaluate relationships based on a single disappointment.Do your own inner homework by asking yourself: have you ever felt special; is it easy for you to feel special; do you easily trust people; do you think you are worthy of being considered special?
2. Dr. Margaret Paul, in her article entitled "The Need to Feel Special" posted in http://www.innerbonding.com/show-article/668/the-need-to-feel-special.html encourages one to search for healthy special-ness that requires one to stop pulling on others but accept full responsibility of making yourself feel special. She recommends that we "take responsibility" in all areas of our lives. Doing so will make us all "internally special".
In a nutshell, the experts told me to acknowledge my feeling because it is natural but I should get over it. There. I knew that. I just needed confirmation from special people. :)
Saturday, May 08, 2010
Questions
Why now?
Because I can't sleep.
There is a mystery that I need to create.
Because life is short and I don't want to make it any shorter.
Because my strength is also my liability.
Why only now?
Because it is inevitable.
There are things that cannot be changed and while I am almost always inclined to accept, I do not always understand and therein lies the biggest battle.
Because there was never an opportunity.
Why, I ask?
'Why not?' is my reply.
I also do not want to have a heart attack.
I am my best and worst enemy.
Even if I am allegedly unloveable, I know I am not.
Why then?
Because there is no choice.
Because that is the card that life dealt me and it is the card that I so foolishly (yet happily at that time) accepted.
If Iknow myself, happiness is just around the corner. It's just that the pain occupies the whole block for the time being.
How much?
To the very core of my being.
Yet I write as long as I can still say this is so.
How long?
Henceforth.
What then?
Shed a few, no, a lot of tears.
Breathe. Still live.
Choose to be happy.
Do not because it was said but because it is hopefully what I was meant to do.
Change hopefully because it is theright thing to do.
Understand and endure because I am most capable of doing so. These are still strengths that I need not boast of.
Strive to ignore without being callous.
Pray. Love.
Finally, sleep is knocking and I am very eager to answer. The trickle of my tears slow down. Peace. For now.
Because I can't sleep.
There is a mystery that I need to create.
Because life is short and I don't want to make it any shorter.
Because my strength is also my liability.
Why only now?
Because it is inevitable.
There are things that cannot be changed and while I am almost always inclined to accept, I do not always understand and therein lies the biggest battle.
Because there was never an opportunity.
Why, I ask?
'Why not?' is my reply.
I also do not want to have a heart attack.
I am my best and worst enemy.
Even if I am allegedly unloveable, I know I am not.
Why then?
Because there is no choice.
Because that is the card that life dealt me and it is the card that I so foolishly (yet happily at that time) accepted.
If Iknow myself, happiness is just around the corner. It's just that the pain occupies the whole block for the time being.
How much?
To the very core of my being.
Yet I write as long as I can still say this is so.
How long?
Henceforth.
What then?
Shed a few, no, a lot of tears.
Breathe. Still live.
Choose to be happy.
Do not because it was said but because it is hopefully what I was meant to do.
Change hopefully because it is theright thing to do.
Understand and endure because I am most capable of doing so. These are still strengths that I need not boast of.
Strive to ignore without being callous.
Pray. Love.
Finally, sleep is knocking and I am very eager to answer. The trickle of my tears slow down. Peace. For now.
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
Atty. Weng's Two Cents
It's been along time since I posted anything. Now, I want to share something that Atty. Weng Mojica-Rodriguez wrote after she just lost her mom. This is too beautiful to keep to myself:
Something I came up with, around the time I lost my mom and waaay before I had Mav and lost my Dad:
It's been more than a year from the day I got married. Looking back, various events made the past year an enriching and englightening one for me. I realized that truly a LOT could happen in a span of one year. A rundown of my random thoughts for the past year would include:
- that death has a weird way of playing with your memories - slowing down when you come to terms with the fact of death (eventually after a bit of denial), then moving on to replaying every single detail of your last contact with the deceased, and then finally fast forwarding to the minutest details that you have to take care of, for you to move on;
- that comfort would come from within and you'll surprise yourself giving comfort to others who might need it;
- that your partner should be your ally;
- that the most tender and harmless of touches could be the most reassuring;
- that the smallest gestures speak volumes;
- that you should always weigh your options;
- that your priorities affect others too, so be really careful in working them out.
- that sometimes simple pleasures can be the most rewarding;
- that you have to choose the wars you have to wage and the battles you must win;
- that emotions should be kept in check especially with professional matters;
- that a deep breath should be able to calm you down;
- that a really good book may sometimes be your best companion;
- that you should not allow fights to diminish your respect for the other person;
- that you should learn your lessons from fights (and you will learn a lot during fights than in times of peace, hehehehe);
- that you should keep yourself busy - fill your head with useful information;
- that you should take time to observe what's going on around you;
- that occasional splurges work wonders on a tired body and mind;
- that you can only be genuinely happy for others if you do not desire what that other person has;
- that you should listen to yourself think;
- that open spaces are a welcome change of scenery for me;
- that I am so involved in planning vacations, especially much needed ones :) ;
- that those things I put off usually take the least effort to do (weird noh?!);
- that I am terrible in keeping my gift list for my inaanaks, relatives and friends (Note to self: compile the list this year and start shopping early!);
- that I enjoy packing but absolutely hate unpacking when I get back home;
- that a well-thought out playlist can drastically improve your mood;
- that meeting new people can still be rewarding;
- that the more people you meet, the more effort you have to exert to keep in touch with your old friends;
- that sometimes things are not how they appear to be;
- that I should not take things for granted;
- that sentiments should not be attached to objects;
- that cardiorespiratory health and diet may be my best bet against deterioriating health by age 40 (yikes! ang lapit na nun!!!);
- buko salad/pandan and barbecue are foolproof, any recipe would be appealing for me;
- that should you find yourself out of work for a month or two, you would not be a burden to anyone;
- that I'm targetting for at least 3/4 of what I have should be dispensable;
- that more often than not, you have everything that you need. : )
Something I came up with, around the time I lost my mom and waaay before I had Mav and lost my Dad:
It's been more than a year from the day I got married. Looking back, various events made the past year an enriching and englightening one for me. I realized that truly a LOT could happen in a span of one year. A rundown of my random thoughts for the past year would include:
- that death has a weird way of playing with your memories - slowing down when you come to terms with the fact of death (eventually after a bit of denial), then moving on to replaying every single detail of your last contact with the deceased, and then finally fast forwarding to the minutest details that you have to take care of, for you to move on;
- that comfort would come from within and you'll surprise yourself giving comfort to others who might need it;
- that your partner should be your ally;
- that the most tender and harmless of touches could be the most reassuring;
- that the smallest gestures speak volumes;
- that you should always weigh your options;
- that your priorities affect others too, so be really careful in working them out.
- that sometimes simple pleasures can be the most rewarding;
- that you have to choose the wars you have to wage and the battles you must win;
- that emotions should be kept in check especially with professional matters;
- that a deep breath should be able to calm you down;
- that a really good book may sometimes be your best companion;
- that you should not allow fights to diminish your respect for the other person;
- that you should learn your lessons from fights (and you will learn a lot during fights than in times of peace, hehehehe);
- that you should keep yourself busy - fill your head with useful information;
- that you should take time to observe what's going on around you;
- that occasional splurges work wonders on a tired body and mind;
- that you can only be genuinely happy for others if you do not desire what that other person has;
- that you should listen to yourself think;
- that open spaces are a welcome change of scenery for me;
- that I am so involved in planning vacations, especially much needed ones :) ;
- that those things I put off usually take the least effort to do (weird noh?!);
- that I am terrible in keeping my gift list for my inaanaks, relatives and friends (Note to self: compile the list this year and start shopping early!);
- that I enjoy packing but absolutely hate unpacking when I get back home;
- that a well-thought out playlist can drastically improve your mood;
- that meeting new people can still be rewarding;
- that the more people you meet, the more effort you have to exert to keep in touch with your old friends;
- that sometimes things are not how they appear to be;
- that I should not take things for granted;
- that sentiments should not be attached to objects;
- that cardiorespiratory health and diet may be my best bet against deterioriating health by age 40 (yikes! ang lapit na nun!!!);
- buko salad/pandan and barbecue are foolproof, any recipe would be appealing for me;
- that should you find yourself out of work for a month or two, you would not be a burden to anyone;
- that I'm targetting for at least 3/4 of what I have should be dispensable;
- that more often than not, you have everything that you need. : )
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Smells like Christmas
It's beginning to smell a lot like Christmas...
It smells sweet, cool, and happy. To each his/her own scent of happiness. :) I am home. Relaxed and undguarded. The temperature's perfect today. Dad's playing golf, Mom is bustling about, In is taking her Board exams, Zsa is somewhere attending a seminar, Gel has been sleeping for 9 hours now, and Jett is watching TV as usual. Everything's in place. There is no break in the routine and everyone's healthy and happy. This is my Christmas.
As I think about how this would be the last Christmas of this kind and of the changes that would ensue in the Christmases to come, I can't help but feel a bit nostalgic. Things will change, routines will be broken, and new "traditions" will be established. There is sadness about things that would no longer be but at the same time, there is hope that Christmas will be equally, if not most, happy and meaningful as it has always been for me.
Thank God for the "Christ" in "Christmas" who makes all things beautiful.
It smells sweet, cool, and happy. To each his/her own scent of happiness. :) I am home. Relaxed and undguarded. The temperature's perfect today. Dad's playing golf, Mom is bustling about, In is taking her Board exams, Zsa is somewhere attending a seminar, Gel has been sleeping for 9 hours now, and Jett is watching TV as usual. Everything's in place. There is no break in the routine and everyone's healthy and happy. This is my Christmas.
As I think about how this would be the last Christmas of this kind and of the changes that would ensue in the Christmases to come, I can't help but feel a bit nostalgic. Things will change, routines will be broken, and new "traditions" will be established. There is sadness about things that would no longer be but at the same time, there is hope that Christmas will be equally, if not most, happy and meaningful as it has always been for me.
Thank God for the "Christ" in "Christmas" who makes all things beautiful.
Friday, October 03, 2008
The Opposite of Easy
If I were to think of things that are difficult for me to deal with, these will be in the list: heat (temperature), physcial exertion, anger, irrationality, grief, rejection, and love. And the greatest of all is love. Yes, love.
It might just sound a little ironic for someone who claims to "love life" and is about to get married. But for me, it is far more physically, mentally, and emotionally draining than all of the other things put together. Why, you may ask? It's because love REQUIRES a lot of things:
- Leaving your comfort zones
- Thinking of others before yourself
- Battling with your personal thoughts and emotions
- Accepting what you don't understand
- Embracing your fears and swallowing your pride
- Appreciating what little time you have knowing that everything shall pass
- Exceeding your own, as well as others', expectations
- Remembering to love yourself even as you grow to love others more
- Having great Faith
Grief and other negative emotions are transformed over time. Maybe as something more positive or maybe as something bordering on apathy. Temperature, together with the seasons, come and go. They are all transitory. Among them, only love maintains its staying power.
I think of our parents who were/are tired of taking care of us, their children. Imagine the stress and the strength that this entails. There is no turning back and no giving up. What mother (or father) does not love a son/daughter until their very last breath? I think of all those who love even if life has been unkind to them--the victims of abuse, poverty, and other circumstances. They have forgotten or have chosen to forget the bad for the good. I think of the most powerful and mighty God who loves us unconditionally. Talk about loving the most unlovable! I also think of those who gave up their lives for the love of a God who is intangible. I think of me and my love for my God, family, friends, and my fiance that requires me to do/think/feel things that tire me.
Love is far from a walk in the park. It is really hard work! What is twisted about this is that despite all the "inconveniences" that it entails, love makes you happy. It is a gift that we received and are compelled to give in return. It is not to be confused with romance, infatuation, or lust.
My advice: if you're not "happy" happy, think and evaluate your "love". We should all renew our resolve to live and love because, really, in all the exhaustion that they bring, we need to be reminded most of the time.
It might just sound a little ironic for someone who claims to "love life" and is about to get married. But for me, it is far more physically, mentally, and emotionally draining than all of the other things put together. Why, you may ask? It's because love REQUIRES a lot of things:
- Leaving your comfort zones
- Thinking of others before yourself
- Battling with your personal thoughts and emotions
- Accepting what you don't understand
- Embracing your fears and swallowing your pride
- Appreciating what little time you have knowing that everything shall pass
- Exceeding your own, as well as others', expectations
- Remembering to love yourself even as you grow to love others more
- Having great Faith
Grief and other negative emotions are transformed over time. Maybe as something more positive or maybe as something bordering on apathy. Temperature, together with the seasons, come and go. They are all transitory. Among them, only love maintains its staying power.
I think of our parents who were/are tired of taking care of us, their children. Imagine the stress and the strength that this entails. There is no turning back and no giving up. What mother (or father) does not love a son/daughter until their very last breath? I think of all those who love even if life has been unkind to them--the victims of abuse, poverty, and other circumstances. They have forgotten or have chosen to forget the bad for the good. I think of the most powerful and mighty God who loves us unconditionally. Talk about loving the most unlovable! I also think of those who gave up their lives for the love of a God who is intangible. I think of me and my love for my God, family, friends, and my fiance that requires me to do/think/feel things that tire me.
Love is far from a walk in the park. It is really hard work! What is twisted about this is that despite all the "inconveniences" that it entails, love makes you happy. It is a gift that we received and are compelled to give in return. It is not to be confused with romance, infatuation, or lust.
My advice: if you're not "happy" happy, think and evaluate your "love". We should all renew our resolve to live and love because, really, in all the exhaustion that they bring, we need to be reminded most of the time.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
On preps and more
Nine months to go before Feb. 7, 2009. Here's what we accomplished so far:
1. Church - Nuestra Senora de Gracia Parish in Guadalupe Viejo was our second stop which turned out to be the end of our church hunting. Fell in love with the church immediately. We confirmed our booking last March 2. Time was changed from 7pm to 2pm. Good churches are really hard to book less than one year ahead.
2. Venue - After scouting venues in Makati and Manila, we decided to book Diamond Hotel.
3. Entourage - More or less semi-finalized...=P
4. Guest list - still needs to be narrowed down to 150; This is the most daunting task ahead of us thus far.
5. Invites - Scouted for printers; Drafted layout/contents
6. Gown designer - Mike Perfecto; We'll discuss my gown design in August. I can't wait to see his work on Roanne this coming Saturday. She says she really likes her gown. That's all I need.
7. Bridesmaids'/flower girls' dresses - Bing's uncle (or auntie) Tito Obet from Binan. Gowns will be rented but will be designed for and worn first by the bridesmaids/flower girls. Designs are done. Measurement in October.
8. Missalette - First draft done.=) Happy...
9. Press release - Finally completed last June 17, my ygme's birthday.
10. Select bridal car - Email Lourdes in a while.
11. Souvenirs - Started scouting/searching/researching. I'm making good progress so far.
12. Keeping fit - Started (and stopped) last week. I resolve to resume this coming week.:-)
13. Beauty regimen - Started with my eyes (salamat, Bing!)
Unlucky 13.. I've got nothing more to add for now. The list seems short but you won't believe the time and effort that was put in to these 'items'.
Needless to say, I'm excited.;-)
1. Church - Nuestra Senora de Gracia Parish in Guadalupe Viejo was our second stop which turned out to be the end of our church hunting. Fell in love with the church immediately. We confirmed our booking last March 2. Time was changed from 7pm to 2pm. Good churches are really hard to book less than one year ahead.
2. Venue - After scouting venues in Makati and Manila, we decided to book Diamond Hotel.
3. Entourage - More or less semi-finalized...=P
4. Guest list - still needs to be narrowed down to 150; This is the most daunting task ahead of us thus far.
5. Invites - Scouted for printers; Drafted layout/contents
6. Gown designer - Mike Perfecto; We'll discuss my gown design in August. I can't wait to see his work on Roanne this coming Saturday. She says she really likes her gown. That's all I need.
7. Bridesmaids'/flower girls' dresses - Bing's uncle (or auntie) Tito Obet from Binan. Gowns will be rented but will be designed for and worn first by the bridesmaids/flower girls. Designs are done. Measurement in October.
8. Missalette - First draft done.=) Happy...
9. Press release - Finally completed last June 17, my ygme's birthday.
10. Select bridal car - Email Lourdes in a while.
11. Souvenirs - Started scouting/searching/researching. I'm making good progress so far.
12. Keeping fit - Started (and stopped) last week. I resolve to resume this coming week.:-)
13. Beauty regimen - Started with my eyes (salamat, Bing!)
Unlucky 13.. I've got nothing more to add for now. The list seems short but you won't believe the time and effort that was put in to these 'items'.
Needless to say, I'm excited.;-)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
