Excerpts

That Special Feeling

2011-11-13T23:30:00.000-08:00

Moments ago, I was "feeling unspecial". Call it weekend blues or hormonal imbalance, but that was how I felt. The story behind it seems unimportant now.

Then, because I was just me, I decided to think about why I was feeling that way, so I did. I ended up feeling worse. So I decided to think about whether it was right for me to think that way. I saw two differing schools of thoughts here--The first tells me "yes" based on the attending circumstances. References that I quote here are mostly literary.*wink*. The second "school of thought" told me "no". It was after all our prayer to "give and not to count the cost, to hide and not to heal the wounds...". So there. I didn't feel bad anymore. But I just had to find sympathy, or companionship at the very least, from reliable Google.

Here are the nuggets of wisdom that I found:

1. According to Dr. Edward A. Dreyfus, Ph.D. Psychology, and I quote from his websitehttp://www.docdreyfus.com/psychologically-speaking/psychology/the-need-to-feel-special/:

"The need to feel special is common to human beings. We want to know that we matter to others; we want to be seen. We strive to achieve some special status in the eyes of others; how we are viewed by others matters to us...When we are singled out for special treatment, given special privileges, receive special favors, we feel special... A problem can arise however, when we feel uncomfortable with acknowledging our desire to be special. Many people not only feel uncomfortable with this desire, but will go to great lengths to deny their desire for specialness as if it were a sign of weakness or other flaw in their personality."

Dr. Dreyfus goes further by providing thoughts that may be helpful to self-healing:
You cannot assess your specailness to someone on the basis of their meeting your expectations.
Accept that not being given special treatment does not diminish you or the affection someone may have toward you.
Do not judge yourself.
Acknowledge your hurt without blaming the other person.
Accept that being disappointed is a human reaction to having expectations of others that are not met.
Do not evaluate relationships based on a single disappointment.
Do your own inner homework by asking yourself: have you ever felt special; is it easy for you to feel special; do you easily trust people; do you think you are worthy of being considered special?

2. Dr. Margaret Paul, in her article entitled "The Need to Feel Special" posted in http://www.innerbonding.com/show-article/668/the-need-to-feel-special.html encourages one to search for healthy special-ness that requires one to stop pulling on others but accept full responsibility of making yourself feel special. She recommends that we "take responsibility" in all areas of our lives. Doing so will make us all "internally special".

In a nutshell, the experts told me to acknowledge my feeling because it is natural but I should get over it. There. I knew that. I just needed confirmation from special people. :)

Questions

2010-05-08T01:05:00.000-07:00

Why now?
Because I can't sleep.
There is a mystery that I need to create.
Because life is short and I don't want to make it any shorter.
Because my strength is also my liability.

Why only now?
Because it is inevitable.
There are things that cannot be changed and while I am almost always inclined to accept, I do not always understand and therein lies the biggest battle.
Because there was never an opportunity.

Why, I ask?
'Why not?' is my reply.
I also do not want to have a heart attack.
I am my best and worst enemy.
Even if I am allegedly unloveable, I know I am not.

Why then?
Because there is no choice.
Because that is the card that life dealt me and it is the card that I so foolishly (yet happily at that time) accepted.
If Iknow myself, happiness is just around the corner. It's just that the pain occupies the whole block for the time being.

How much?
To the very core of my being.
Yet I write as long as I can still say this is so.

How long?
Henceforth.

What then?
Shed a few, no, a lot of tears.
Breathe. Still live.
Choose to be happy.
Do not because it was said but because it is hopefully what I was meant to do.
Change hopefully because it is theright thing to do.
Understand and endure because I am most capable of doing so. These are still strengths that I need not boast of.
Strive to ignore without being callous.
Pray. Love.

Finally, sleep is knocking and I am very eager to answer. The trickle of my tears slow down. Peace. For now.

Atty. Weng's Two Cents

2009-05-06T06:19:00.000-07:00

It's been along time since I posted anything. Now, I want to share something that Atty. Weng Mojica-Rodriguez wrote after she just lost her mom. This is too beautiful to keep to myself:

Something I came up with, around the time I lost my mom and waaay before I had Mav and lost my Dad:

It's been more than a year from the day I got married. Looking back, various events made the past year an enriching and englightening one for me. I realized that truly a LOT could happen in a span of one year. A rundown of my random thoughts for the past year would include:

- that death has a weird way of playing with your memories - slowing down when you come to terms with the fact of death (eventually after a bit of denial), then moving on to replaying every single detail of your last contact with the deceased, and then finally fast forwarding to the minutest details that you have to take care of, for you to move on;

- that comfort would come from within and you'll surprise yourself giving comfort to others who might need it;

- that your partner should be your ally;

- that the most tender and harmless of touches could be the most reassuring;

- that the smallest gestures speak volumes;

- that you should always weigh your options;

- that your priorities affect others too, so be really careful in working them out.

- that sometimes simple pleasures can be the most rewarding;

- that you have to choose the wars you have to wage and the battles you must win;

- that emotions should be kept in check especially with professional matters;

- that a deep breath should be able to calm you down;

- that a really good book may sometimes be your best companion;

- that you should not allow fights to diminish your respect for the other person;

- that you should learn your lessons from fights (and you will learn a lot during fights than in times of peace, hehehehe);

- that you should keep yourself busy - fill your head with useful information;

- that you should take time to observe what's going on around you;

- that occasional splurges work wonders on a tired body and mind;

- that you can only be genuinely happy for others if you do not desire what that other person has;

- that you should listen to yourself think;

- that open spaces are a welcome change of scenery for me;

- that I am so involved in planning vacations, especially much needed ones :) ;

- that those things I put off usually take the least effort to do (weird noh?!);

- that I am terrible in keeping my gift list for my inaanaks, relatives and friends (Note to self: compile the list this year and start shopping early!);

- that I enjoy packing but absolutely hate unpacking when I get back home;

- that a well-thought out playlist can drastically improve your mood;

- that meeting new people can still be rewarding;

- that the more people you meet, the more effort you have to exert to keep in touch with your old friends;

- that sometimes things are not how they appear to be;

- that I should not take things for granted;

- that sentiments should not be attached to objects;

- that cardiorespiratory health and diet may be my best bet against deterioriating health by age 40 (yikes! ang lapit na nun!!!);

- buko salad/pandan and barbecue are foolproof, any recipe would be appealing for me;

- that should you find yourself out of work for a month or two, you would not be a burden to anyone;

- that I'm targetting for at least 3/4 of what I have should be dispensable;

- that more often than not, you have everything that you need. : )

Smells like Christmas

2008-11-29T08:44:00.000-08:00

It's beginning to smell a lot like Christmas...

It smells sweet, cool, and happy. To each his/her own scent of happiness. :) I am home. Relaxed and undguarded. The temperature's perfect today. Dad's playing golf, Mom is bustling about, In is taking her Board exams, Zsa is somewhere attending a seminar, Gel has been sleeping for 9 hours now, and Jett is watching TV as usual. Everything's in place. There is no break in the routine and everyone's healthy and happy. This is my Christmas.

As I think about how this would be the last Christmas of this kind and of the changes that would ensue in the Christmases to come, I can't help but feel a bit nostalgic. Things will change, routines will be broken, and new "traditions" will be established. There is sadness about things that would no longer be but at the same time, there is hope that Christmas will be equally, if not most, happy and meaningful as it has always been for me.

Thank God for the "Christ" in "Christmas" who makes all things beautiful.

The Opposite of Easy

2008-10-03T20:11:00.000-07:00

If I were to think of things that are difficult for me to deal with, these will be in the list: heat (temperature), physcial exertion, anger, irrationality, grief, rejection, and love. And the greatest of all is love. Yes, love.

It might just sound a little ironic for someone who claims to "love life" and is about to get married. But for me, it is far more physically, mentally, and emotionally draining than all of the other things put together. Why, you may ask? It's because love REQUIRES a lot of things:

- Leaving your comfort zones
- Thinking of others before yourself
- Battling with your personal thoughts and emotions
- Accepting what you don't understand
- Embracing your fears and swallowing your pride
- Appreciating what little time you have knowing that everything shall pass
- Exceeding your own, as well as others', expectations
- Remembering to love yourself even as you grow to love others more
- Having great Faith

Grief and other negative emotions are transformed over time. Maybe as something more positive or maybe as something bordering on apathy. Temperature, together with the seasons, come and go. They are all transitory. Among them, only love maintains its staying power.

I think of our parents who were/are tired of taking care of us, their children. Imagine the stress and the strength that this entails. There is no turning back and no giving up. What mother (or father) does not love a son/daughter until their very last breath? I think of all those who love even if life has been unkind to them--the victims of abuse, poverty, and other circumstances. They have forgotten or have chosen to forget the bad for the good. I think of the most powerful and mighty God who loves us unconditionally. Talk about loving the most unlovable! I also think of those who gave up their lives for the love of a God who is intangible. I think of me and my love for my God, family, friends, and my fiance that requires me to do/think/feel things that tire me.

Love is far from a walk in the park. It is really hard work! What is twisted about this is that despite all the "inconveniences" that it entails, love makes you happy. It is a gift that we received and are compelled to give in return. It is not to be confused with romance, infatuation, or lust.

My advice: if you're not "happy" happy, think and evaluate your "love". We should all renew our resolve to live and love because, really, in all the exhaustion that they bring, we need to be reminded most of the time.

On preps and more

2008-06-21T13:02:00.000-07:00

Nine months to go before Feb. 7, 2009. Here's what we accomplished so far:
1. Church - Nuestra Senora de Gracia Parish in Guadalupe Viejo was our second stop which turned out to be the end of our church hunting. Fell in love with the church immediately. We confirmed our booking last March 2. Time was changed from 7pm to 2pm. Good churches are really hard to book less than one year ahead.
2. Venue - After scouting venues in Makati and Manila, we decided to book Diamond Hotel.
3. Entourage - More or less semi-finalized...=P
4. Guest list - still needs to be narrowed down to 150; This is the most daunting task ahead of us thus far.
5. Invites - Scouted for printers; Drafted layout/contents
6. Gown designer - Mike Perfecto; We'll discuss my gown design in August. I can't wait to see his work on Roanne this coming Saturday. She says she really likes her gown. That's all I need.
7. Bridesmaids'/flower girls' dresses - Bing's uncle (or auntie) Tito Obet from Binan. Gowns will be rented but will be designed for and worn first by the bridesmaids/flower girls. Designs are done. Measurement in October.
8. Missalette - First draft done.=) Happy...
9. Press release - Finally completed last June 17, my ygme's birthday.
10. Select bridal car - Email Lourdes in a while.
11. Souvenirs - Started scouting/searching/researching. I'm making good progress so far.
12. Keeping fit - Started (and stopped) last week. I resolve to resume this coming week.:-)
13. Beauty regimen - Started with my eyes (salamat, Bing!)

Unlucky 13.. I've got nothing more to add for now. The list seems short but you won't believe the time and effort that was put in to these 'items'.

Needless to say, I'm excited.;-)

Changes

2008-04-09T19:30:00.000-07:00

Last Saturday, we made this announcement to our Comlec family (to those very few who were present anyway): For the coming year, changes will have to be made. We needed to "pass the torch", so to speak. Pando could no longer serve as the project coordinator while I need to gradually delegate my functions to another member who will eventually have to take my place as the group's coordinator. All these for a very simple and inevitable reason--we are getting married next year.

About five years ago, we were 'appointed' to our respective positions. Looking back, it was a rather shaky transition but as with all things, the change was eventually accepted and we all adapted. Now, it is time for change to take place once again.

Our announcement was received rather well (I'd like to think) by our nominees: Rica for the Project Coordinator position and Eloisa as my 'partner in crime' for the time being. Of course, all were generally happy but a few tears were shed as well. It was all because of what the announcements brought to light: things will change. Our comfortable routine will now be broken.

It's funny because we know that things always change--status, disposition, circumstance, etc.--but when they do change, there's still that certain feeling of 'unpreparedness'. While we have no choice but to welcome the new, I feel that it is our nature to lament the loss of the old, if it was good in the first place.

I have been with Comlec for almost 11 years now. 11 years!! That's half my age! Joking... For that span of time, it is impossible for changes to be absent. Here are a few that I can recall:
- We had our spiritual adviser back then. Mainly because we were still starting as a group.
- We were all single back then. Hehe... I was still in high school then tapos yung aming elders (te majo, te wilma, sir george) ay mga totoy at nene pa...
- Hindi pa ganon ka straight ang buhok ni ate Majo!
- My 'co-playmates' were still here--Pat, Ellen, Donna. Sigh... Miss you so much!!
- Mutual girls walked to and from the meeting venue. Bonding moment namin yun (nila te Shai, te Kathy, Tillah, Karen)
- Ilonggo Grill pa ang cool na tambayan.. thanks to fr. Peter
- Caliraya pa ang ating default outing destination
- Lagi kaming napapagkamalang magkapatid/kambal ni rica
- Babies ng group ay sina Eloisa, In, and Paula
- Crush ni alexis si donna (yiheee...)
- Fishing became a fashion
- Twinkle once described me as being 'alienetic' (whatever that means)

And many many many more. All the bloopers, tampuhans, and other moments that I cannot put into writing warm my heart and put a smile on my face as I type away. I love the group and all who have become a part of it. Promise. And it is because of these (and of conversations with the "nings") that I am now feeling sentimental. I am proud of what this group have become. I am happy that almost all my siblings are with me in the service. It is through this group that we became buddies and best friends. Here I found my friends for life and my future lifetime partner. Most importantly, it is here that I have learned about God and service better. It is my prayer that all are blessed in this way as well.

Despite all the changes that will ensue, there are things that will never change:
- The reason for our existence-we were all called by God to proclaim His word
- The friendship - which will weather the changes that the years may bring
- Growth - in most aspects in life
- Ang pagiging autistic queen ni ate majo; pagiging autistic princess ni icel
- The blessings that serving Him and His community (through our outreaches and other activities) bring

At present, so many among us have left for another country/location or have chosen to pursue a different path. We now have a number of newbies and Comlec babies that we are all proud of. Someday, that number will multiply and we will all be equally proud of them as well.

So yes, we're getting married. Yes, things will change. And yet, I pray and know that some things will always stay the same.

Bull's Eye

2008-04-02T03:28:00.000-07:00

I couldn't agree more with this:

As we mature, we all have to make this transition--we all have to let go of some of our fairy tale expectations of love, and learn to embrace a kind of love that can survive a few hard winters. Love that has been tested is far more awe-inspiring than love that has never known anything but bliss. Don't look for a partner with whom you have no problems, but one with whom you are good at overcoming them.

Quoting Quotes

2008-03-07T18:01:00.000-08:00

Motivational quotes. Uplifting articles. Quotes on integrity, courage and vision. I have bombarded myself with all these for the past two weeks in preparation for a major project/event at work. Before I find myself desensitized to all that is meant by what was written, I think I have to think and feel them for a while.

There is so much in these grain of truths that I already know in my mind, perhaps in my heart as well. Sad to say, only a few gets translated to action. I ask myself why but I ultimately realize that this is a pointless exercise. Fast forward, here are the steps to speed up the resolution: Examine status quo. Evaluate if desirable/optimal. If yes, improve. If no, change. Sounds simple enough to illustrate in a flowchart. Still extremely difficult to act upon, much more preach about.

Here are some quotes on integrity that I have encountered through the course of my “research”:

- “The only correct actions are those that demand no explanation and no apology.” (Red Auerbach)
I am prompted to think of the possible ethical dilemmas and solutions/actions that I have/will have to take.

- “Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.” (Will Rogers)
Alas, I fail this test. I can only imagine what my parrot would say about the state of my room (and lately, our kitchen)! Hehe…

- “The reputation of a thousand years may be determined by the conduct of one hour”. (Japanese Proverb)
I think this is more applicable to my company and the industry that it is a part of than to myself. The importance of reputation is proportional to one’s own significance.

-“To speak ill of others is a dishonest way of praising ourselves.” (Will Durant)
All ye who have ears (including me), listen!

-“When you choose the lesser of two evils, remember that it is still an evil.” (Max Lerner)
I would like to especially address this to those who advise people to “moderate your greed”.

-“The time is always right to do what is right.” (Martin Luther King, Jr.)
Yup. Not later. Not tomorrow. Now.

-“Remember, if you’re headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.” (Allison Gappa Bottke)
Thank you, Lord!

These are just a FEW quotes on integrity. It is the motivational ones that get me to think most. It reminds me that I have no limits. I can do anything. I should dream big. I know I have simple dreams. Beautiful, but simple ones. Then again, simple does not necessarily mean ‘small’. After all, in our world today, the dream of being good (in all its real sense as a person, a Christian, as a member of the community), is such a big big dream in itself. So to all those who reminded and continues to remind me to dream big, attract positive energy, work hard, take risks, and love well: kudos! You make the world a better place for me to live in.

OCEAN Test

2007-10-15T21:43:00.001-07:00

I found a little spare time to do this:=P Interesting...

I'm a O30-C64-E22-A50-N9 Big Five!!

Excerpts from a Complicated Mind

2007-05-25T23:30:00.000-07:00

It has been such a long time since I wrote something unrelated to work or school. For this serene and refreshing time to be able to do so, I am very thankful.

I was somewhat inspired by my sister Gel's writings, even if hers were motivated mainly by boredom...hehe...:-) As I browsed through her thoughts, I realized that she wrote simply and clearly--a reflection of how her life is right now. I felt a twinge of jealousy. Oh, how great it is to be younger. Things were simpler back then. This prompted me to think of why "now" was not as simple. Except for special occasions/events, my life, in a nutshell, comprises of the following major routines:
1. Waking up at 5 am
2. Preparing to go to work
3. Work/study when needed
4. Go home/go to school before going home
5. Sleep
6. Back to step 1

Hmm... my life in 6 steps... Looks and sounds simple to me. Of course, all these 6 steps presume that I have "meaningful interactions" with others. I say to myself that this is why life gets "complicated". In an attempt to defend this thesis statement, I offer the following supporting statements:
1. People, especially those you care about, have expectations that you cannot possibly meet.
2. It is difficult to fully understand others; it is better to shrug them off as unimportant.
3. There will always be individuals who are capable of inflicting harm on you regardless of whether they know this or not.

Pause.

The 3 statements are a far cry from the 6 steps cited before. As flimsy as their connection, a connection there still is.

Pause.

And so I propose a "simpler" reason for my life's "complications"--me.

More pause.

Steps 1 to 6 do not show me that my life is simple. They show that life has no meaning. The lacking "meaning" is found in my interaction with others, which then triggers the 3 statements presented earlier. I, therefore, conclude that life is not meaningful if there are no complications. Life can be complicated but I need not be.

Meaningful pause.

To answer my 3 statements, I propose the following thoughts:
1. You cannot please everyone. Truth is, you have to meet your own expectations first before you can determine if you still need to meet the expectation of others.
2. You don't need to understand others but there are people that you must learn to accept even if you don't understand. For the rest that you do not need to accept or do not need your acceptance, they too are important in the greater scheme of things, even if they are insignificant in your immediate circle.
3. There are far greater individuals who love me more than those who have the power to harm me.

As random and sporadic as my thoughts seem to be, I learned a few things by just typing away:
1. We can think and talk about life all we want, but living it will be the only thing that matters at the end.
2. When things get twisted, pause. Taking pauses allows us to slow down and to view same things differently.
3. I do not need to have a third realization although enumerating only two looks 'bitin' on screen. =)

Liham

2007-02-22T17:38:00.000-08:00

The following is an open letter to my team mate and my best friend. Posting of this letter has been approved by the latter.

------------------------

February 22, 2007

My Dearest 'Bbq',

Happy start of our fifth year together (ngayon pa nga lang yung first day.hmph!)!

In retrospect, the past four years have been filled with new insights and emotions, with the positive and enlightening outnumbering the sad and hurtful ones. Who would've thought?! Then again, that might precisely be the point. Not "thinking" alone. It has taken a lot of courage, compromise, lowering of pride, little sacrifices, difficult decisions, and, most importantly, prayers. Expectations, old habits and perceptions had to be revised along the way. It was not always easy but the struggle became beautiful because of how the struggle took place--always as a team. A team with God and service as honorary members. For how could we have met and persisted otherwise?

Spending time with you is like taking an out of town trip everyday. It's something we both enjoy doing (buti na lang lakwatsero ka din) even if we dream about it more than we actually do. Sure, there are forced stopovers and bumps along the way and sometimes we run out of gas or money or both. But by God's grace, either one of us, or someone or something else, fills infor the deficiency. I am also thankful for the simplicity and optimism that we share most of the time (take note: not always). When the gas runs out, we use it as an opportunity to walk hand in hand. When we run out of money to pay for the toll fees, we take the service road. When we do not have airconditioning, we do not notice it that much because the music blaring onthe radio turns out to be great. When the radio is dead, the creaks and screeches of the world around us, especially the car we're riding on, delightfully take its place. There is music even when there is silence.

In total, these past years have been about choices for our team,individually or as a team. Thank you for choosing to be patient and kind even though you're tired. For choosing to spend time with me, to listen and to share what you have and what you know. Thank you for the choices that make us better each year. For all the good intentions and well thought actions, thank you. We also know that some of our decisions were characterized more by our weaknesses rather than love. Again, I am sorry for the times I have hurt you this way. As for me, I have personally learned how to deal with that one choice that you made and I have started to learn howto try to pick up the pieces of things that were inevitably broken. Although things will never be whole the same way, something stronger and more durable is formed by that single act of forgiveness. But I will forever thank you for your honesty and for the love that allowed you to be that honest. That too was a choice on your part.

The point of the matter is that I love you and I'm enjoying our yet uninterrupted "trip". And where do we go next? Bohol? Cebu? Palawan? Maybe.Why not? With you? Anywhere. Again, happy fourth my 'bbq'. The best is yet to come.Ü

Love,

Marie

Adaptation

2006-11-10T16:41:00.000-08:00

Parati na lang bang ganito?
Dapat bang tanggapin ko na hindi na magbabago?
Namamanhid na yata ang buhay na bato
Sa isang banda, mas panatag ang bagyo
Sinong makakapagsabi kung mabuti ito?
Ganito din ba para sa kanila?
Ganito na nga ba talaga?

Madalas, babaeng walang buhay ang tanging kaulayaw ko
Hindi din naman masaya kapag walang tinig ang kausap ko
Sa ganitong pag-iisip, ako'y nagiging kalunos-lunos
Kailan kaya kami magpapalit ng sapatos?
Sa kabila ng lahat, mas ikapapanatag ko na ako'y naisantabi
kaysa malaman na may anumang nangyari

Palagi na lang ganito
Marahil hindi mahalaga ang mga agam-agam ko
Ngunit habang hindi pa tuluyang namamanhid ito
Maingay pa din ang alingawngaw ng kalungkutan ko
Pero nararamdaman ko na malapit na..
Malapit na tuluyang matulog ang bagyo.

A Mirror

2006-08-24T17:54:00.000-07:00

One of the ways to know yourself is to ask other people...or websites with pre-defined and pre-programmed analysis given one's simple responses. I am still by far the most accurate source of who I think I am although I believe I know myself very little.=P

Credits go to Vanins... I got this from your blog...

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion:

You have low extroversion.
You are quiet and reserved in most social situations.
A low key, laid back lifestyle is important to you.
You tend to bond slowly, over time, with one or two people.

Conscientiousness:

You have medium conscientiousness.
You're generally good at balancing work and play.
When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done.
But you've been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it.

Agreeableness:

You have high agreeableness.
You are easy to get along with, and you value harmony highly.
Helpful and generous, you are willing to compromise with almost anyone.
You give people the benefit of the doubt and don't mind giving someone a second chance.

Neuroticism:

You have low neuroticism.
You are very emotionally stable and mentally together.
Only the greatest setbacks upset you, and you bounce back quickly.
Overall, you are typically calm and relaxed - making others feel secure.

Openness to experience:

Your openness to new experiences is low.
You're a pretty conservative person, and you favor what's socially acceptable.
You think that change for novelty's sake is a very bad idea.
While some may see this as boring, many see you as dependable and wise.

The Five Factor Personality Test

Writer's block

2006-07-15T14:02:00.000-07:00

And then there was Nothing. Blank. Void.
Nonsense typed in to add color to the white screen.
Words suspended in mid-air. Waiting. Steady.

So much to say with so little time.
Opportunity is used and yet lost.
Mind and heart is in limbo.

Limbo is reached effortlessly. Why?
Pause. Comtemplate. Waste time.

Limbo is my defense. It is neutral. Safe.
The trade-off for the absence of evil is the absence of good.
Tick tock says the clock...

Something awakens and consciousness whispers.
Take the good, as well as the bad.
Sadness and happiness.
If there is nothing ugly, then nothing is beautiful.
Revel in conflict. Revel in life.

But there's just too much hard work. Waste of time.
But what is time well spent?
Do nothing? Be safe?

Echoes of sanity seeps in.
I want to live.
Do everything and anything but be in control.
Revel in conflict. Revel in life.

Writer's block.
A classic example of making something from nothing.

As Pablo puts it:
Pure nonsense; pure wisdom.

Salamat

2006-06-01T12:20:00.000-07:00

It is finally beginning to sink in. I will finally have a second job. Life as I have known it for four years will finally change. Soon, there will be a new place for me to spend 40 hours every week in.

It is with optimism, and maybe a little bit of anxiety, that I look forward to my new work. Before I start to sound like the valedictorian of a graduating class on a podium, I would like to recall the important things that I have learned from the people that I have worked with for the past four years.

From Rossel I learned to appreciate beauty for what it truly is: skin deep. You are only as beautiful as your heart. Her love for her Matthew inspires me to nurture my love for others.

Fe taught me the value of balance. She is one of the few who has seen me grow for better (or worse). Her competency in all aspects of life is truly something to aspire for.

I learned to be more thoughtful through Bambi. There are a million ways to show your friends how special they are and they do not have to be grandiose or extravagant.

Oss continually reminds me of the power of laughter. It is found in even the most mundane activities. Her devotion to Anette reminds me that miracles happen everyday.

Dance to the beat that life sets for you. Dona tells me to dance despite the lack of choreography or of grace.

Lea showed me how to laugh at myself and to accept myself completely. There is always something new and wonderful about me despite my imperfections.

Express yourself. This is something that Cecile preaches and practices.

Ms. Thelma taught me to speak out and speak loud only when I am right. Otherwise, I should just shut up.

Ms. Len tells me that there is life after work. Work should not be your life but it should be something that you have to learn to love.

Ms. Diane demonstrates what it is like to have grace under pressure. I hope to take home some of her dedication.

Bernie reinforces my belief that there is power in silence. Silence does not translate to timidity or complacence.

The migraines that I do not get from work tell me that I somehow enjoyed my tasks. Sir H's headaches from CPD showed me this.

Truth is, all the bits of wisdom that I have picked up from this place and from the people that have taught me these are too many to mention. I could not mention everything and everyone even if I attempted to.

For all who are mentioned here and otherwise, the chorus of one of my my favorite songs
is especially for you.

My Wish

2006-05-08T13:02:00.000-07:00

I
These are snapshots of my first outing for the year. I'm here stuck at work and desperately wishing for another one. Attention Lakbayers!!!

Bits of Wisdom...

2006-04-03T12:10:00.000-07:00

...these are as ubiquitous as mobile phones and suffering. They're as present as pollution in Metro Manila and as constant as the migraines that my sister gets. I admit, I am sometimes too "busy" to spot them. Lately, I've been lucky.

"Boredom is a gift." - Roxy
A gift indeed. I just realized I had time to sapre.

"No judgements!" - Pat
Here, here! Judging is a burden that God does not give us.

"You can never (can) tell!" - Dimps
Que Sera Sera, whatever will be, will be...

"...use the fridge to thaw!" - Nerks
A statment not just for food.

"Use the toaster to heat pizza." - Fefot
There is always a better way to do things.

"Bata ka pa!" - Rossel
There is always hope.

"Umuwi tayo ng maaga." - Ygme
Pure wisdom.

I can't wait to come up with my own.

Hope for the Lost

2006-03-23T12:46:00.000-08:00

I lost my blazer. More than that, I lost:

Warmth. It is insanely cold here.
Inconspicuousness. I am now very visible.
Trendiness. My uniform does not look as nice without it.

And it's only been almost 5 hours! Sigh...

Everytime I lose something, my mind automatically plays this line from an OST of a Sandra Bullock flick: "Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you got 'til it's gone...."

God knows how many things (and people) I have lost in my lifetime. Some through my own fault, others by accident, and still some by choice (applicable to people only). Still, I believe that for every loss, there wil be a gain, regardless of whether it is tangible or not.

I cannot and do not intend to promise not to lose anything anymore. I will try my best, though. If and when I do lose something or, God forbid, someone again, I will make sure that I do not lose the lesson.

There is hope that my blazer and I will be reunited, you know. I can still go back to where I think I could've left it. On the other hand, there is a difference when we talk about wisdom, love, relationships, people, respect, faith, dignity, happiness, and truth. These are things in life that one cannot afford to lose. But when you do lose one of these things, there will always be hope of finding it again.

Hope shines eternal.

Reminder

2006-03-14T23:23:00.000-08:00

Old rhymes still ring true.

I came across this poem as I was tinkering with my "documents" on my not-so-orderly desk. Its message could not have been more timely and needed than now. This just goes to show that there is wisdom in chaos.

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

--Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

Love Letter

2006-01-20T12:08:00.000-08:00

Dear Lara,

Hi! It's been a long time. How are you? I hope you're doing fairly better than our last time together.

As with any other year, 2005 flew right by us. In retrospect, we spent a lot of quality time together, you and I, but I know you are beginning to detach yourself from me. That is not such a bad thing, you know. You're growing and beginning to see that there are better people to spend your time with. Your views and aspirations have altered, along with your disposition. You're not as defensive but you have grown more aggressive. You've grown more comfortable with new things and more flexible in terms of accepting situations or events that don't quite meet your expectations. You're fortifying old friendships and establishing new ones. You now have a team that I know you love and are proud of because your team performs well despite all the sadness and hurts that you've experienced as a part of it. There are times that you prefer to spend most of your time with your team mate than with me for reasons that are sometimes not altruistic, but I take no offense. I accept that I'm not the only person that you rely on now but that makes me worry a bit. You know how much I worry. Thank God for you and for those who remind me not to. Do you remember our long-standing belief that the more people that you attach yourself to, the greater the risk of disappointment there is? The world outside our own is scarier indeed. My dear, I can see that we're gradually drifting apart. Our safe place does not leave you content anymore. And if that is the case, then I think that you're stronger now than I expected you to be.

As I slowly loosen my hold on you, I promise that I wouldn't be too far away because I can't even if we both wanted to. I know you have new needs and you now need new people. But know that we will always need and have each other. I will never be far. May your new year be even better. It hasn't started out great but it will soon take off. If we only have more faith.

Be good always. Do not replace virtues with transitory happiness. God bless!

Always,

Lara

Chaos

2005-11-15T13:00:00.000-08:00

Lunch break. The much awaited hiatus between two working halves of the day. Today, a lot of things are on my mind and even on my desk. This is the period when I'm supposed to be able to sort through all the rubble between the morning and the afternoon. Today, there will be no semblance of order, even in this entry. I shall write with no qualms about coherence and correctness. I am writing if only to silence the disquiet inside me. I am writing for my benefit alone.

Two piles of papers are atop my table. One for pending work, the other for the those that are in progress. Neither one seems to be on the verge of completion. Suddenly, a text message comes and the day begins again.

People always ask why things have to end. Why do they have to begin in the first place? Things that end first began and so an end is just the inevitable conclusion to a beginning.

If you are sleepy and hungry at the same time, what do you do first? Eat or sleep? The answer to this question will not completely satiate the body as only both will. This is the closest to how I can describe what I feel right now. There is so much to do and yet to accomplish one is to accomplish nothing at all. Sigh...

Today, I am emotional. Today, I am my alter ego.

And then there was light. 1pm comes too soon.

Let the work begin.

Music Sense

2005-11-11T14:26:00.000-08:00

Lyrics before melody. This is how I know if I like a song or not. Most people listen to a song's lyrics only after they've decided that they like the melody. I operate on the reverse.

One fine morning, it suddenly dawned on me: my outlook in life is a reflection of the music that I decide to like. As I belong to a family of music lovers, I know almost all the songs that I sing by heart. Here are lines from some songs that humble, uplift, inspire, and enlighten me in those crucial moments of boredom, insecurity, and dementia:

All the shiny little trinkets of temptation, something new instead of somethin old
All you gotta do is scratch beneath the surface and it's fool's gold ("Power of Two" by the Indigo Girls)

Lately I'm beginning to find that when I drive myself my life is found ("Drive" by Incubus)

I just found out there's no such thing as a real world, just a lie you've got to rise above ("No Such Thing" by John Mayer)

Compliment what she does, send her roses just because...if she wants to stay, find one hundred ways ("100 Ways" by James Ingram)

If you walk the footsteps of a stranger, you'll learn things you never knew ("Colors of the Wind" by Vanessa Williams)

You know there's always more than one way to say exactly what you mean to say ("Out of My Head" by Fastball)

Even if there is pain now, everything will be alright for as long as the world still turns, there will be night and day ("Rainbow" by Southborder)

No matter what tomorrow holds, my praise will know no bounds for your presence will be there again to guide me ("You are My Light")

Somebody once asked: could you spare some change for gas, I need to get myself away from this place. I said: yep, what a concept; I could use a little fuel myself and we could all use a little change
("All Star" by Smashmouth)

Fathers be good to your daughters. Daughters will love like you do. Girls become lovers who turn into mothers so mothers be good to your daughters too ("Daughters" by John Mayer)

Let the rain fall, I don't care. I'm yours and certainly you're mine and it's brighter than sunshine ("Brighter than Sunshine" by Aqualung)

You have forgiven me so many times it seems. I feel I'm not what you might call a worthy Christian after all. Though I love you so, temptation finds its way to me ("Take me Out of the Dark" by Gary Valenciano)

I want to thank you for giving me the best day of my life. Just to be with you is having the best day of my life ("Thank You" by Dido)

We're just another piece of the puzzle, just another part of the plan ("Ever Since the World Began")

Stand up, little girl. A broken heart can't be that bad. When it's true, it's true. Fate will twist the both of you ("To Be With You" by Mr. Big)

Pana-panahon ang pagkakataon, maibabalik ba ang kahapon? ("Kanlungan" by Noel Cabangon)

Tulay ng Maykapal inuugnay ang ating pagmamahalan gawa ng lakas na 'di guguho sa minsang pagsubok na napagdadaanan ng buhay ("Awit ng Saya" by M.Y.M.P.)

All of my hopes and all of my plans, my heart and my hands are lifted to You ("I Offer My Life")

Don't need the sun to shine to make me smile. Don't care if it's dark outside 'cause I got you. And though the rain may fall, no I won't care at all ("Don't Need The Sun to Shine" by Gabrielle)
Friends are there when you need them; they're even there when you don't (Theme from "Garfield and Friends" cartoons)

These are just a few that I could come up with at the moment. I just know that my life will always be filled with music. My life, after all, is my ultimate song.

I Cried

2005-10-07T17:30:00.000-07:00

"This is the story of a girl who cried a river and drowned the whole world..." (Story of A Girl by Nine Days)

Last night I cried an ocean for all the possible reasons...

I cried for me. I cried for him.
I cried for all the people in pain.
I cried because I was proud and ashamed.
I cried for all the times I had only me to blame.
I cried because I am happy and so very blessed.
I am thankful for the people who know my flaws best.
I cried for my country, family, friends and team mate
and for all blessings in disguise that I learned to appreciate.
I cried for my childhood, my future and my present life in limbo,
recalling the times I had nowhere left to go.
Mostly, I cried to God in remorseful thanksgiving
for always reminding me that life is worth living.

I paused. I prayed. I cried some more.

I never was a big fan of crying and I grew up curtailing emotions that would make me cry. Instead of crying, I would rather do something. But there are times when there's nothing one can do. I know now that crying is healthy because after the tears, a certain calmness follows. That tranquility allows me to move on, live on and love on.

Description

2005-09-20T17:02:00.000-07:00

Like
A
Raven that never ceases to
Amaze me

--from Eina (sometime 1997)

What Happened

2005-09-13T12:57:00.000-07:00

Do you believe that there is no such thing as an accident? That everything is pre-ordained and that every curve in our life's road was already pre-mapped by a greater hand? Where then does free will kick in, if at all?

The reason I ask is that I was recently in an accident. No need to worry, it's not that serious. I just unintentionally hit a car. What made it so bad was not that I was driving a relatively brand new car nor the fact that I had to face the injured party. It was bad because the car I hit was immobile--yup, it was parked just right beside me. Call it amateurism or wrong judgment or even stupidity. I have been berating myself with harsher adjectives so I honestly do not need anyone's help in doing that right now, okay?:-) But I'm digressing. . .

So, anyway, I spoke with the owner of the other car (who happens to be really considerate) and it seems that we would settle this matter amicably within the day. Before we spoke, however, I was making good use of my time by consoling myself by saying that everything happens for a reason. Who knows? The owner of the car might just be the guy (I correctly assumed this after one look at the car) that one of my single girl friends might end up with. If hitting one car accomplishes that, then I guess I can hit a couple more. Just kidding!:-)

This brings me to the ancient debate on free will vs. destiny. I most certainly did not hit that car intentionally. Does that mean that I was meant to? If I did not choose it, then was it destined? So, are all negative unintentional things in life destined to happen? Are they not a product of little choices made in the past? I ask because I do not know. I write because I will never be able to answer. I can only offer a resolution: acceptance. Whether I chose or did not choose a particular outcome, I should and must accept this. Maybe not instantly, but inevitably. The good thing about this is that I have faith. Faith that I am always in good hands (hello Papa God!) and that something good will always come out of everything. True, my driving skills could stand improvement and it was a wake up call to do so asap. But I am happy that I picked up a lot from the incident, namely:
· In a state of panic, sanity kicks in after a few (or a lot of) deep breaths. So before you actually panic, take deep breaths immediately.
· Your conscience is your guide. I had the perfect opportunity to drive away. No witnesses, no nothing. But I know I could not and would not sleep well in the coming years if I did.
· God is good. The owner of the car is actually nice. I spoke with him for almost thirty minutes mostly about karma, mistrust and doing good. He said I gave him good parking tips so I hope that makes it even.:-)
· People are considerate. My family and friends, who were the first ones I expected to scold and lecture me, turned out to be really understanding and helpful.
· I am a part of a great team. My teammate, I thank you. I don't particularly care if you are here because I chose to or because I was destined to. You are there to comfort me when I am meanest to myself. Alam ko namang pag ok na ako, saka mo ako pagsasabihan. Hehe. . . I don't mind.
· I have to face the music gracefully. (Okay, Daddy, I have good news and bad news. Which would you like to hear first?)

I end this first entry with an unfortunate note: the owner of the car is already married. Too bad. I already thought of Pat, Dimps and Rossel. Be that as it may, anything can still happen--whether by choice or by chance.